Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
