dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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