I hate your face
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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