I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
