Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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