So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
