hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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