i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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