I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize