So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
