i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
