dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
