I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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