you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize