he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
