Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
