I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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