i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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