I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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