When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
