Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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