please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
