I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize