I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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