I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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