how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize