Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Barsexuality is the new black.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
