I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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