I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
