I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize