the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
