So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
