I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
