Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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