Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i love accidental penises.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
