Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
