hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
