I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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