Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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