a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
