The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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