I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We need a shit load of segways right now
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
