Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
