The best revenge is premature balding
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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