Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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