you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
