My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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