wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
