Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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