I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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