1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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