Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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