what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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